Give Me the Remote! or More Adventures at the Gym

Excuse me, ma'am, but are you trying to change the channel on that TV? You are? Oh, well maybe you should let me help. No, no. That button won't change the channel. That's called the power button. As you obviously haven't noticed, you've successfully turned off the TV you're trying to watch, as well as the two adjacent to it. Oh, this is your 14-year-old son on the treadmill next to you? Yes, maybe giving him the remote is a good idea. There you go, 2 out of the 3 are now back on. But look, your son changed the channel on yours. Congratulations. Of course, you missed the one that other people were actually watching. That one's still off. Yes, that's why that little old lady is giving you the stink eye. Well, if you give me the remote now, I can turn that one back on. Then we can avoid her coming over here and breaking out your teeth. On the bright side, you'd be able to borrow her dentures. Yes, I agree, giving me the remote is the right course of action. Enjoy your program.

Imaginary Friends

Many children have had or will have imaginary friends. Hopefully not like Drop Dead Fred--have you seen that movie? Funny, but at time somewhat inappropriate. But I digress...

But not my child. Nope. He doesn't have an imaginary friend. No way. That's way under-doing it. As is customary in our family, he has shot way beyond the mark. He has an imaginary army, which includes--as he calls them--"my guys and my men". As far as I've been able to tell, they consist of various knights and kung fu warriors (mostly of the panda variety), and at times imaginary chipmunk mercenaries (this is a rare occurance, so I assume they're only hired on as required, and paid in nuts, seeds and berries). The regulars spend most of the day protecting our home (or portions of the family in whatever activities they might be engaged in outside of the home, such as grocery shopping, church activities, yardwork) from bad guys. I have often been saved from sneak attacks by various mallevolent characters at the hand of his guys and men, who follow his every command. Though I haven't personally seen them, they seem to come in handy at sundry times.

As far as the "bad guys" are concerned, they include but not limited to bad knights, evil dragons, dinosaurs (mostly carniverous), lions, tiger and bears (obligatory "oh my!"), and Tailung from Kung Fu Panda (in addition to Tailung's general and armies, courtesy of kungfupandaworld.com, which is a good time for kids and dads alike). These bad guys at times try to attack unnoticed, while we're picking up toys, doing the dishes, shopping for food, folding clothes, doing yardwork, or while passing through the "rainforest" (under the neighbor's willow tree) while on walks. They are always foiled in their dasterdly attempts by some contingent of the army, much to our relief.

I know his army is generally outfitted with swords, but at various times they have been known to use guns, lasers, clubs, sticks (which are readily available in the rainforest), varying sports balls, and maybe bombs. They are also quite skilled in hand-to-hand combat. As far as strategy is concerned, I think overwhelming force is the usual approach. Subtlty, intrigue, ambush, etc. haven't quite made their appearance yet, though I doubt they're too far in the future. This will hopefully add to the family's safety, and will be appreciated all around.

Marjorie Taylor, professor of psychology at the University of Oregon and author of Imaginary Companions and the Children Who Create Them found that 65 percent of all children have make-believe friends at some point in their young lives (from Singletons: The Words of Only Children blog by Susan Newman; PsychologyToday.com). Seems like having imaginary friends is an ordinary thing...which makes my child extraordinary.

Observations at the Gym

To start this out, I should mention that I repeated a previous gym prep error on Monday...I'll let you guess which (hint: pick the one that seems most embarrassing).

This morning, though, I remembered everything and had a pretty good workout, then hit the locker room to get ready. After I showered I began shaving. At this time, a rather large man passed behind me passing from the shower to the lockers. I say rather large, but that may be an understatement...he's morbidly obese. He's probably 5'7" and I would guess 375 lbs...maybe more. He's large enough that he doesn't have to wear anything to keep...um..."himself"...covered up. Ahem. I see him almost every day, so the sight isn't shocking anymore. I've actually started to feel sad seeing him...it can't be a great way to live.

But the real kicker was the septegenarian who obviously hasn't seen that sight before. After Big Guy passed, the elder gentleman (used somewhat facetiously) came into view in my mirror. His short walk to water aerobics had been stopped short by his dentures following his chin to the floor as he stared wide-eyed behind his coke bottle glasses for at least 12 seconds at the naked glory of morbid obesity strolling past. I was hoping he would have caught my "Dude! What's the deal!? Don't you have any sort of decency!?" stare back at him in the mirror, but he obliviously turned and headed out to exercise his aging frame.

Anyway, in the tradition of Aesop, the moral of the story is: don't stare, because you're usually the one who ends up looking like a moron.

I Really Suck at this Whole Blogging Thing

It's been a long while (1 year, 8 months, 11 days) since I posted here. It couldn't necessarily be due to my self-diagnosed ADD...or it could. It isn't really an excuse, but I have the same problem with keeping a journal. As an update of my continued pursuit of the Unsmart, I offer the following example(s):

Late last year I began using the locker room at the gym. It's a bit of a time saver...go to work out, get ready there, and head straight to work. I've also been getting in to work earlier...all of which are not Unsmart in and of themselves. In my getting prepared for the gym (generally the night before) I have had the following mishaps, which haven't been discovered until the next day:

1. Forgotten socks - Luckily, the nearby Macey's (grocery store) had one pair of black men's socks (which has now become a bit of a joke at the office...you figure it out) left, and they were on sale for 99 cents.

2. Forgotten towel - This led to a necessary trip back home to shower. I guess I could have air dried, but I'll leave the extensive nackedness in the locker room to the old guys who come for water aerobics and the hot tub. (You're very welcome for that mental image.)

3. Mismatched shoes - Luckily I had brought jeans to wear to work, so I could wear my running shoes. Otherwise I'd have looked like the old folks at the mall who go to walk their laps for exercise wearing slacks and walking shoes (for Layton High alums who are my age or older, that means Mr. Petersen).

4. Forgotten garments - I just got showered and went commando back to the house, went in the back door so as not to wake the kids or Ang and snuck down into the laundry room where my lovely wife had a basket of clean g's.

I think that should sufficiently prove how Unsmart I am.